But I kept my appointment because I figured maybe he could help me sort it out.  Dot wasn’t happy and left a suicide note saying as much.  The shrink asked me if I felt guilt over her death and I honestly don’t.  She’s 10,000 miles away in Maine but I do wish I had taken the time to tell her how much it meant to me for her to be in my life.

So then we moved on to reasons why I might eat to feel better.  We talked about my parents and especially my mother and he asked if I felt loved by her.  I said that she never told me she loved me but she did cook my favorite foods from time to time.  I knew when she cooked my favorites that she cared about me and wanted me to feel special.  So I’ve had all that baggage for years – equating eating with being loved.  Today was just the uncovering of these emotions.  I have no idea how to fix it!

Then we talked about why I tend to put myself last.  I rarely say no to anyone.  He asked why I had such a difficult time doing that and then he asked me how I felt when someone asked me to do something.  If I want to do it, I feel great because I love doing things for other people.  If I don’t want to do it, I feel bad.   Then it came to me as if a light went on over my head.  I don’t say yes for the people who are asking, I’m saying yes so I don’t feel bad.   I don’t know how to fix this either but both of these revelations made me feel terrific.

I just might find my way out of this emotional eating thing after all.

I’ll keep you posted.

So I went to the nutritional psychologist today for the first time.  It was an hour and a half ($225) and it was great.  I loved every minute of it.  The first hour or so was going over why I was there and what I wanted to accomplish by seeing him.  I told him that I wanted to find joy in every day and stop putting it off until I’m thin.  What if I’m never thin..  I’ll never have joy in my life.

I have to learn to release the guilt I was raised with and start removing myself from the bottom rung on the importance ladder of my life.   My first exercise is to sit in a comfortable chair with my feet on the floor (difficult at only 5′ tall!).  I’m to close my eyes and think about my big toe… feel it.  Then think about my right elbow… feel it. Then imagine a circle around my chest where my heart is.  Then I’m to breathe into that circle slowly – in and out.  After 5 or 6 times I am to release a positive emotion as I exhale.  Today I thought about gratitude but I can choose any emotion.  Love, joy, happiness, forgiveness – anything positive.  I can aim that thought to the world or to someone I know.  I’m to do this exercise twice a day or any time I get filled with anxiety.

Next week we’ll build on that so that I can get to a place that doesn’t need food to feel OK.