Mind programming baggage
I had another visit with the nutritional psychologist today. I really didn’t feel like going. Someone very close to me committed suicide yesterday and I was gutted. All the things that go through your mind at a time like that – I should have called her more often, I should have checked on her, etc., just left me feeling pretty crap.
But I kept my appointment because I figured maybe he could help me sort it out. Dot wasn’t happy and left a suicide note saying as much. The shrink asked me if I felt guilt over her death and I honestly don’t. She’s 10,000 miles away in Maine but I do wish I had taken the time to tell her how much it meant to me for her to be in my life.
So then we moved on to reasons why I might eat to feel better. We talked about my parents and especially my mother and he asked if I felt loved by her. I said that she never told me she loved me but she did cook my favorite foods from time to time. I knew when she cooked my favorites that she cared about me and wanted me to feel special. So I’ve had all that baggage for years – equating eating with being loved. Today was just the uncovering of these emotions. I have no idea how to fix it!
Then we talked about why I tend to put myself last. I rarely say no to anyone. He asked why I had such a difficult time doing that and then he asked me how I felt when someone asked me to do something. If I want to do it, I feel great because I love doing things for other people. If I don’t want to do it, I feel bad. Then it came to me as if a light went on over my head. I don’t say yes for the people who are asking, I’m saying yes so I don’t feel bad. I don’t know how to fix this either but both of these revelations made me feel terrific.
I just might find my way out of this emotional eating thing after all.
I’ll keep you posted.
April 9th, 2009 at 7:44 am
Sorry to hear about your friend. I’ve experienced those same feelings myself; not quite feeling guilty, but wishing I’d been in touch more or more openly appreciative of the friendship. Glad you’re winding your way through emotional eating too. It can be a struggle, but it looks like you’re dedicated to getting to the bottom of it. Keep on keeping on!
April 10th, 2009 at 4:43 am
Thanks. I thought I’d feel better today but I still feel like I was run over by a bus.
I am absolutely dedicated to working my way through this emotional eating problem. I know that I eat for a reason but it’s a stupid reason. I need to figure out how to clear those stupid reasons out of my head.